It's a new dawn, a new day.

It's a new dawn and a new day and I'm feeling good.  Jennifer Hudson sings it so well.  I read that if you emulate those you want to be like long enough, you'll become like them.  I wish I knew who to emulate, who I am.  I feel so firmly entrenched in the role of care-giver that I've lost myself.  I don't know......and not knowing is a bitch.  I've forgotten what I like, what tastes good, how to smile, where I want to go.  Bogged down in a thick quagmire of sucking mud.

Most of the time I'm afraid.  That hold-your-breath kind of afraid.  I can't seem to get it right, if I knew what "it" was.  I cry more than I laugh and I feel like I am running out of time to "fix" things, put things away, take care of that.  I try to be positive, only to look around at another pile of shit, dishes, dirt or dust and feel overwhelmed all over again.  Nothing brings me joy anymore and I'm worried.  No one hears what I say, especially the ones I love the most.  That fucked up fact hit home today when a battle of the wills escalated into yet another fight because I wanted something simple done that would have made life easier for me.  God forbid if it should be easier for me.  I'm fucking sick of it and the bitch of it is, I don't know how to get out, fix it, let go.

I just wish I knew if the path I'm laying out will lead to yet another dead end, or if I finally get the opportunity to do it right.  I'm tired of being "on hold" with no music while others seem to just dance...