I have a plan...

Today I made a plan.  I formulated, calculated, wrote, re-wrote and edited.  It was a writing kind of day. The plan I made seemed to come together with a few extra pieces thrown in.  I'm trying to go back to college and finish a degree, finally.  I think I am ready.  I'm done having babies and changing diapers and being interrupted.  I'm ready.  I remember leaving for college the first time.  I never really thought anyone would care if I left home and went to college, no one seemed to make any fuss and I had written and re-written, calculated and edited all the applications myself.  The day I was to leave, my mother gave me a garfield coffee mug and a little pig made of bread dough behind a chicken wire fence.  It was then I knew that I was noticed, that it did matter that I was leaving and that she had remembered the things that I loved at the time.

She was always so quiet, my mother.  I never knew what she was thinking most of the time.  If she worried about me like I worry about my sons and daughter. If she ever tried to figure me out.  By the time I realized how much she cared, I had finally begun the process of being okay.  Maybe it was part of the plan.  She left me because she was ready to be okay.  Finally.  Go with God, it's what I told her and I meant it.  I wonder if she knew how much I cared.  If that was all part of the bigger plan.  I sure hope so.