1st Day in the life of my blog..

Today is St. Patrick's Day.  I'm not Irish, it just seemes as good as any day to start the journal I always said I was going to keep.  Plus Irish folk I know are pretty cool people and if I drank green beer, I probably would start today.  It's been "one of those days".  I keep trying to get "finished" with "this" and "that" and all the rest of the "stuff" over there.  I'm not making good headway.  Do I think I have bad luck?  Sometimes.  Do I trust people too easily and believe that people are inherently good and that I'm not going to get hurt/let down or disappointed today?  Yes.  Did I get hurt, let down and disappointed today?  Yes.  Each day the hurt that I held in quietly and destructively for so long leaks out more and more.  It seems so anxious to escape that I keep my eyes closed as long as possible each morning to stem the tide of  leakage.  Bubble gum in the dam.

I hope that when I look back on this blog as time goes by that I am able to be happier.  That I learn to let go, with love, of the hurt.  Hurtful people who's wounds are just as fresh today as the day they stabbed me in the back, hollowing out another hole in my heart.    That I learn to let go of people that I can't "fix".  That don't fit into my life, just overwhelm it, swallowing all the air I need to breathe.  I never feel like I can take a deep breath, that if I let that breath all the way out, I won't be able to draw it in again. Lately I find myself holding my breath in my sleep, as I gasp awake at yet another terror called consequence.  Heart racing, angry and scared at yet another dreamless night of ragged sleep  interrupted by the rude awakening of responsibility.